Last week I watched Predator on Laser disc. It was awesome. So yesterday I got around to watching Predator II on Laserdisc and it was also awesome. I decided I'd watch AVP: Aliens Vs Predator again, even though I hate it more than I've ever hated anything ever.
There's seriously not one good thing about it. How do you make the Predator not cool? Well they managed. The costumes aren't nearly as good as the ones from 1987 and 1990. The Preds are supposed to be a little slimey and sweaty and look like rough jungle hunters...in this one they're all dry and smooth and not intimidating at all. Some of the masks just don't look right at all either. The Predators in this movie also are supposed to be more buff but they just end up looking chubby. The costumes really do blow in this one. The old ones looked like actual muscle these just look like padded costumes instead of actually looking like some swamp alien master killing machine.
Also the director sucks. A lot of it might be due to the PG 13 rating, which is bullshit as all the Predators and Alien movies are R rated, but the action sequences are terrible. Everyone gets killed by editing menaing all see you is something that implies violence. You see a sweet spear or Xenomorph mouth thing hurtling towards someones face and then it cuts away to a small amount of blood splatter. The editing is awful in general, there's tons of cutting around and the action is really disjointed and you don't get to see shit. There's no excuse, with the technology they had to make this movie it should have looked better than what they made in 1987. You barely see any gore shots at all and when you do it's a close up. When the Predators first show up and start murdering away they hang the victims up in typical Predator fashion. Well you don't see them get skinned. That's one of the most amazing parts of the Predator movies. When someone disappears you find them missing their fucking skin. Or their spine and skull get ripped out. Another thing that pissed me off about that scene...most if not all of those guys were unarmed. Which I wouldn't have minded that uncharacteristic mistake had they been skinned giving me some good gore to enjoy.
Now besides the shitty costumes, the God awful actions sequences and the terrible writing and diologue the main character is the most unlikable piece of shit I've ever seen in a movie. Obviously cast as an X TREME Mountain Dew chugging hard core athlete ice cimber with a bad ass tough take charge bitchy attitude. Every line of hers exists to show how MEGA HUGE her balls are. She's not confident, she's cocky and overbearing obviously knows everything there is about everything. Bitch you're on the mission to climb down a fucking hole. Like I need to kyak off a water fall and go hangliding for 10 years to understand how a fucking rope works. Please.
I don't have a problem with a strong woman as the main character, one of my favorite characters in Predator II is the woman cop, a strong woman...but not a cocky head strong shit bag. Just the movie goes out of its way to make me hate this woman. Every word that falls out of her cock sucker enrages me.
Also the mythos of the Predator is that it's attracted to conflict and extremely hot weather. You find TONS of that in the Arctic right? In an abandoned Whaling Station....tons of conflict and heat there, right? Also the Predators show up every ten years. In 1987, 1997 and oh wait 2004. OOPS lol. Has the director of this steaming pile of doo doo even seen any of the Predator movies?
Now back to why the Predators suck so bad. They're all pussies. They don't even make it half way through the movie. The Xenomorphs fuck them up! Easily! Then if that's not enough the last Predator that's remotely bad ass has to team up with a woman who's only skill is CLIMBING SHIT to take on the Alien. And that moderately bad ass Predator actually dies in the end anyway. I would have been so happy to see that lady get impaled by the Alien Queen. In the end when she gets her trophy weapon for a job well done from the other Predators it makes me happy to know that shes abandoned in the Arctic, without a coat. So at least she probably dies that way...well in my mind she definitely dies that way.
Ok lets take a look at Predator 1 and Predator 2. Those aliens were fucking tough shit. The first one takes out a highly armed extremely talented unit, the best the United States has to offer. Fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Jesse Ventura and fuckin Bill Duke...and that Indian dude! Also a guy with glasses with a ton of pussy jokes and another guy that gets smashed with a log...even they were pretty bad ass while not being particularly huge muscle mens. Arnold's character Dutch only manages to take out the Predator due to some quick thinking and years upon years of guerilla warfare experience and some God damn luck.
Now Predator 2. A guy in a comic book store was like "Why would you want to buy that Predator figure it's from Predator 2...he was a pussy Danny Glover took him out!" And I'm like "What!" and I schooled that dude. Set in a fictional future LA where crime has gone NUTS and the streets are a war zone Danny Glover is a super bad ass cop. So he's got some credibility as a hero. Now when he does finally confront the Predator...the Predator was lured into a trap sprung by freakin Gary Busey! In that scene Danny Glover pumps several rounds of buckshot, at point blank range into his chest. That just barely slows down the Predator...if that's not tought I don't know what is. At this point Danny Glover gets ahold of one of the Predators weapons and chases down an injured Predator back the ship and single handedly fucks him up with his own damn disc blade of death.
Also in these scene there's a Skull from one of the Xenomorphs from Alien which is what started this mess in the first place. It was totally awesome and that one nod to Alien spawned tons of Video games, books and comics and this turd of a movie. Anyway Danny Glover has earned the respect of the Predators for taking down a Predator in one on one combat and the leader gives him a trophy, a gun dating back ti 1715. Fucking awesome! Also the leader Predator carried a sword and it was awesome.
Then in this movie we get a group of big clumbsy Predators that get their asses kicked in like 10 minutes. Except one that's got to team up with that hang gliding parasailer extreme sports bitch that's the shit at CLIMBING UP ICE. Shit I've made a few snow forts in my day and had a couple cans of Dew does that qualify me to battle the scourge of the Universe? Maybe if I was an elite commando or a hardened cop battling Voo Doo Willie's Jamaican drug lord gang I'd have some skills useful for battling aliens.
Man. I hate this movie that much. What a turd.
I'm not even a fan of Aliens so I don't know what they butchered from that series, but I'm sure they did a great job of dicking that up too. Somehow this shit fest got a sequel. But you know what? It's halfway decent. They upped that rating to an R and got rid of that terrible director. This time they got it right. The humans are just there to die. This is best show in a scene where the hot young babe of the movie that the main guy has a hard on for...gets cut in half...for no reason...out of no where. She just happens to run in front of a giant flying blade of hellish design. IT WAS AWESOME. It serves no purpose other than to be awesome.
There's not much I have to say about AVP2 other than an entire town of nice folk get mercilessly slaughtered and the few jerks that survive get blown the fuck up. Just the way it should have been the first time.
Now I hear they're making another Predator movie. A directed sequel to the first film, which is fine. But I've heard it might ignore the shitty sequels...which is great, but Predator 2 is an AMAZING sequel! They can ignore AVP...I do and I wouldn't be heart broken over ignoring AVP2 even though it's a pretty good movie.
